The Search….(Part 2)

The Search

Sometimes all she wanted was to run away. Run away from everything that tried to hold her down or cut her wings. Run away from people who pretended to be something else. Run away from everything that was precious to her.

Sometimes, she wanted to run away from herself.

She was far more complicated than anybody could ever imagine. She always had that look about her that made people take notice of her. A mystery that was insanely attractive.

She had broken many hearts. Hurt people who had tried to bring her out of the misery that she had imposed on herself.

But all those people had tried to protect her. They had tried to change the way she thought, the way she saw the world and the way she felt. She was suffocated by the constant do’s and don’ts imposed on her.

It was not protection that she wanted.

All her life she had been looking for love. And if that love was not extraordinary, she was not interested.  She longed for love that was intense, unadulterated and raw.

Love, that gave her freedom to be herself. Love, that didn’t try to change her and just let her be herself.

She wanted somebody who would see the fire in her eyes. Somebody who would understand that love was the only thing she could give. Completely and wholeheartedly. She wanted love that was so deep that it burned your soul with its passion.

Her search was for a love that would peel her down to the bone and see that there was far more to her than what met the eye….

 

The Search

He always wondered why people were so fascinated by the concept of love. He had always been wary of that feeling. He thought of it as a weakness. And everybody who knew him was aware of the fact that he hated weakness of any sort.

For him, the search was never for a lover. No. Love was temporary. You could always fall out of love with someone. What he wanted was something deeper. Something that gave meaning to him and his existence. Someone who would not be a part of the crowd.

Most people just become what they hear and see. He wanted somebody without the mask that everybody wore to please the world. He wanted something pure and raw. Somebody who was made from the same fire like he was. Not a lover, but a soulmate. Who saw in him what nobody else could see.

Somebody who would understand that behind all the complications, was a simplicity that he had hidden from the world. He wanted somebody who would stand by him. He wanted somebody who would kill him with the fierceness in her eyes. He wanted somebody who would take away from him everything that he ever held close to his heart, and still make him feel complete.

He wanted to be destroyed and be born again. He wanted to be filled with somebody’s laughter. He wanted to melt in somebody’s arms and kiss so deeply that it sucked out his soul.

And in all that he wanted, love was what he was most afraid of….

 

Thank God For Technology

My phone is one of my most prized possession. It’s almost as important to me as my kidneys! No kidding…if I lose sight of my phone for even a second, I get a mini heart attack!

I need to be around my phone all the time. Even if I’m not using it. And I’m pretty sure that most of the people these days are like me. And it’s really not our fault is it??

I can call, text, whats app, Skype, mail, listen to music, click pictures, calculate, online shop, find my way home, play games and do such insane amount of stuff that it’s almost magical!

I mean today with this small device in my hand, I can talk to my friend who lives in California, at 2 in the morning when the insomniac in me refuses to go to sleep. Had technology not been this advanced, I would be writing letters to her that would reach her 20 days after I posted them. And if you know anything about the Indian postal system then you won’t be surprised if the letter never reached her. Ever.

It’s true that when technology had not taken over, people were actually connected to each other because they made an effort to stay in touch, unlike today where we have 300 friends on Facebook but we are really just bothered about our 3 best friends. I mean I’v got half of my high school people on my friend list on Facebook  but I never actually talk to them. It’s mostly about checking whats up in their life, from a distance.

I sometimes wonder how people used to write such long letters to each other. Writing about each detail of their lives. My uncle who is in the army travels a lot. So in the early days of his marriage he and my aunt used to write to each other a letter every week, telling each other everything that was going on in their lives. My aunt still has has a bag full of those letters.

It’s hard to understand the emotions people had when they wrote those letters. We have video calling if we miss somebody too much. In those days waiting for that one letter must have been the highlight of the week!

I guess that’s the reason people of that generation were far more patient. Our generation barely has the time or the courtesy to write an entire sentence in a text message. It’s mostly like “Hw r u? Txt me whn u rch home. Need 2 tok.”

You really can’t expect anything even remotely related to patience from people who write like this! I mean your parents spent a fortune on your education! And this is how you end up writing? Even the word ‘Love’ has become ‘Luv’. And I swear I have a pet peeve of this word. Every time somebody texts me “Luv”, I feel like punching that person in the face. It’s a four letter word for crying out loud! How much time did you save by making it three lettered!

Yes I love my phone with all my heart. And I don’t think I can live without it. But sometimes I really wonder whether this technology has actually connected us to our loved ones or turned us into insensitive stalking idiots who can talk for hours on whats app but have nothing to say to each other when they meet in person.

As for me, I’m enjoying the best of both worlds! I write a letter to my brother at least once a year and then whats app him to tell me when it reaches him.  And yes, everybody thinks I’m crazy writing to him when I could have easily texted him! It’s hard to explain to people how much fun it is to write a letter and then actually post it.

Years back I saw a movie where the actress wrote a love letter and instead of signing her name at the end, she kissed the letter and left a lipstick mark at the end. I so want to do this someday. I’l maybe write a letter to my husband and leave a crimson lipstick mark at the end. How romantic would that be!

I can always send flying kisses via Face-time, but lipstick marks will all ways be the real deal when it comes to romance.

Isn’t it?

I agree it’s fascinating to be able to talk ‘Face to Face’ with somebody sitting in 10,000 miles away from you via video call but I would still love to send a pigeon with a rolled parchment declaring my undying love to my beloved!

 

Happily Ever After

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My grandparents are celebrating their anniversary today. They are celebrating their togetherness which completes six and a half decades today.

65 years…That’s a really long time.

In a commitment phobic world like today, where being together for 65 months is considered a landmark achievement, these two have  held together for a almost a lifetime.

I should be the last person to talk about commitments because I’m probably the biggest commitment phobic you’l ever meet. Not because I don’t believe that I’l find true love someday or that I won’t be able to bond with somebody for life, but just because I have such a negative attitude towards relationships that I run away from any person who tries to connect with me emotionally.

For a chatterbox like me, who can make friends anywhere in the world I have just a handful of people who I really call my friends. People who stood by me when even I had given up on myself.

I don’t what makes me do this, but every time somebody connects with me on an emotional level, I run away from that person at a lightening fast speed. Partially because I fear I’l break my heart. And partially because I fear I’l break that persons heart.

And I have immense respect for the people in my life who are still with me despite my behaving like an utterly unreasonable bitch! I have screamed, cursed, fought and walked out on them and yet they still came back to me when I was done spewing venom. And the worst part is, that even though I know that I do is wrong, I still can’t get myself to get so close to somebody that I end up being habituated to him.

I worry and over analyse every aspect of every feeling I have for that person and if I see even and iota of tenderness inside me, I bolt!

But when I look at my grandparents, and see them so happy together *touchwood*, the feeling is out of this world. Two people who were were married as per the customs of ancient India at the age of 10 and 8, these two have evolved from from being strangers, to friends, to lovers to parents and to grandparents!

And life was not always easy for them. My grandfather left for higher studies and then for work leaving my grandmother with the kids. In those times, when there were hardly any means of communication,these two managed to stay together. And that too after taking into consideration the fact that my grandmother was not allowed to go to school by her in-laws and could not read or write.  So writing love letters was out of question.

They have braved tough times together, and have seen happy times in abundance. They recently welcomed their fifth grandchild into this world and are now preparing for their eldest grandchild to get married.

And it’s not that everything is always lovey-dovey for them. Sometimes they behave like two toddlers locked up in a room with just one toy to play with! They fight like kids and argue about lame things. Then both of them go into separate rooms and emerge an hour later because they were hungry!

These two are the only reason why I, despite being a commitment phobic believe that someday I too would get that happy ending. And I hope and pray that my happily ever after looks like what I see with these two. Not the flowers and gift type materialistic love. But something so deep that you never need words to express it.

 

 

Please Listen To Me. I Want To Ramble. Part 2

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There are days when I just want to talk. Non stop. To anybody and everybody who would just listen to me. Not that I don’t have friends of family around me who would not listen to me. I mean they are trying their best to cope up with all the nonsense that is conceived by my brain, but still sometimes everybody is so busy that I find it hard to disturb them and ramble about the imaginary world where I live.

On days like these I end up being even more attracted to food. I say even more because food is probably the only pure love of my life. There’s unadulterated passion that I have for food. Not cooking it, just eating it. So when I don’t talk, I eat. And when I eat, it gets impossible to stop me because…..well because it’s food and I love food.

And to top it all, mango season is here! So i’m hogging down mango after mango. And all this while I’m listening to all the voices in my head debate about whether or not I should eat something else as well.

Also it is getting so damn hot in Delhi that it’s getting absolutely impossible to go out. The sun is blazing down with such fury that it almost seems like it’s trying to kill you.

How I hate Delhi summers.

And lately I’v realized that I hate people who keep dragging conversations. I mean if you have nothing to say then just put the damn phone down and let me live in peace. Forcing somebody to have a conversation with you is like third degree torture! And I am usually very good at avoiding such people but these days I’m just too lazy to do anything about them.

If I like talking to somebody I’l keep saying random nonsensical things to that person and just talk aimlessly for hours. And everybody who talks to me knows that. If I’m giving straight cut yes or no as answers to your questions and if I have absolutely nothing to talk to you then the chances are that I’m trying too hard to be polite and say it on your face to get the hell outta my sight.

Even when I have nothing to talk, I can still keep the conversation going if I genuinely want to talk to that person. And then I don’t care how late at night it is or the fact that whatever I’m saying is just illogical chattering.

I guess the alcohol level in my blood has gone wayyyy below normal. I really really really need to refuel. Like maybe just get drunk and call somebody and say I love you!

Oh well!!

Thank you for listening….

I just needed to go blah blah blah for some time.

PS- These days I’m insanely attracted to romantics songs. And not just listening to them, but singing at the top if my voice. I personally have no problem with that but if this continues the people around me might soon need an appointment with their doctors to check for ear drum damage.

Forever Is A Myth

All of us are smitten by the concept of “forever’. Best friends forever, I will love you forever…..

We all want to be a part of that happily ever after. The future, which even though uncertain looks almost like perfection.

And frankly, there’s nothing wrong with lusting after forever. If you love something, you want it to be with you always. You would do everything in your power to keep it with you. You compromise, make adjustments, work hard and do every damn thing you can to make sure your forever is exactly how you want it to be.

You basically end up getting so engrossed in planning and preparing for that forever that you forget about the present. And in all this planning you forget that since the future is unpredictable, there is a major possibility that all your plannings can go down the drain in a single life changing event.

Your best friend, the love of your life, your career….nothing is permanent. And you can not control it forever. One single life twist is enough to knock you out and bring you back to square one.

One fight with your best friend, one misunderstanding with your love, one mistake in your career can change everything you ever had.

So does forever really exist in our uncertain future? Maybe it does. Maybe it does not.

I’m not saying that nobody would ever have a happily ever after. I hope everybody gets what they love in life. But in this hope for our perfect forever, lets not forget to enjoy this moment that we have today.

Today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’l ever be. So seize this moment. Laugh, be crazy, love unconditionally, apologize, and just feel the moment. Today was a part of the forever you thought of yesterday. So enjoy it. Don’t let it go waste.  Plan all you want but don’t let all this planning stop you from being happy today.

It’s not necessary that all the compromises and adjustments will definitely lead to a happy future. Your forever will be perfect if you know how to be happy today.

And if your forever does not look like the one you had planned, then maybe you had it chalked out all wrong. Maybe somewhere you were trying to hold on to something that never belonged to you. So embrace whatever you get and treasure it. In the end, life itself will take you to that perfect forever.

It’s All In The Eye’s

There was something insanely attractive about those eye’s. Deep brown and magically hypnotic. They could suck out your soul by just gazing at you.

They say that eye’s are the window to your soul. But in those eye’s you could see every possible emotion that you have ever felt held together with such depth that it was like staring into the universe. Mysterious and infinite. They mirrored every feeling you had and you could see every inner conflict that raged between your heart and your mind.

Eye’s which you could stare into for infinity and beyond and still not feel satiated. And if they looked away, something inside you snapped. Like looking into them was the only thing that gave meaning to your presence in this universe. And if it wasn’t for those eye’s, nothing would seem right.

Eye’s that pull you towards them, and with a blink could shatter you into a million pieces.

And it is then that you realize how fragile your existence had been before their gaze had fallen upon you. And with that gaze, the universe now feels complete.