Letting Go

I’m way too lazy when it comes to cleaning my room. It’s an annual task for me that happens every year just before Diwali. But this year, I had to clean up my room a little earlier because I’m giving away my study table.

Now my study table is not any ordinary table. It was a giant office table that was kept in my dad’s cabin. Glass top with four drawers on it’s right side. So when the office was renovated, I took the table home and made it my study table.

Now that table had to cut to half its size because it was way too huge to be kept in my room. And so it was modified a bit to fit into my room.  That happened a decade back.

A couple of days back, I cleaned the table and it’s drawers for what seemed like the first time in year’s. And in those drawers I found stuff that I had forgotten I still had. Old notebooks, notes that I passed in class with my friends in school, my 12 grade identity card, old CD’s, and the best of all, my old diaries. I never kept diaries regularly but whenever I felt angry, I used to write down my feelings.

In those diaries I found all my pent up anger safely locked away from the world. The diaries dated back to May 1997, when I would have been in maybe fourth or fifth grade. The pages at that time read “I had a terrible day today. Mummy scolded me for spilling milk on the dinning table.” 

That was probably the worst thing that happened to me at that age. Getting a scolding from my mom. As the pages turned and the years passed, I saw how my problem changed from bad grades to fights with my friends. Anger over a lost basketball match to missing the practice due to a sprained foot. In seventh grade I hated people in my class who today are my friends that stood by me when I was the weakest and were the first to celebrate when I was successful. In the eighth grade I had actually written down practical jokes that I wanted to play on those people. 

By the time I reached twelfth grade, the tensions were about college, and after school about the various career options and missing friends who went away to some other state for their graduation.

I spent the entire night going through the past 12 years of my life. Laughing and crying over the things that happened with me. The thoughts and pranks my mind made up. The tensions that changed from lost crayons to lost friends. 

Before this, I always thought that I lived a pretty boring life, with nothing extra ordinary happening to me. But when I read the eighteen diaries that I had written, I realized how much had actually happened in my life!

All the anger which at time I felt justified, seemed silly. And I had been pretty abusive in some pages! I’m just glad I abused my diary and not the people concerned! 😛 

When I finally finished, I did what I had never though I would do. I tore up all my diaries and threw them away. 

I had always kept my diaries safe and hidden, but that day I realized it was not the diaries I was hiding, it was my anger. While reading whatever I had written, I remembered all the good things that happened to me with all the incidents mentioned. And I believe that is all I need in my life. The good memories that make me smile when I went in flashback. 

It did hurt when I tore my first diary, but then I just had to let go of all the anger that I had stored in those pages. The past decade has given me possibly the best people in my life and in those diaries, I was listing down all the things I hated in them. These people are today the best of my friends and I would not change a damn hair on them! They are perfect and I love them with all my heart and soul and thank them for being there with me while I was being such a nut case!

The diaries are now down in the trash and all my anger goes along them, and all the beautiful memories that they bought back are safely in my heart.

The table is now going to somebody else. It was a big part of my life. I was so proud of it! I mean seriously, who has a study table as big as an office desk of a CEO!!! I’m sure a lot of memories would be stored in this table again. I just hope they are happy ones. 🙂

2 thoughts on “Letting Go

  1. The same happened to me few months ago while selling scrap. Found an old diary and I went through 2 years of my MBA college life and 1 year of my first job……But i could not tear it..I placed it safe on my rack again, though I know I wont read it again unless I go for the next round of cleaning………I resonated with ur post..Nice one


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