How many times have you questioned your self esteem?

If my guess is correct, there is nobody who has not at least once in their life questioned their worth in their own eyes. No matter how perfect your life is, there would have been that one moment when you doubted yourself.

And I from my experience can tell you that it is much worse when your worth is questioned by somebody else. When no matter what you did, whatever you achieved or how much hard work you put in, your efforts shall be questioned. Every bit of  your work criticized and every decision you ever made considered for the worse.

It is one thing to convince yourself that no matter what, you will get through the rough times. But it is a completely different thing to convince somebody else that you will be able to make your mark.

Not that it is important to show or even justify to somebody what all you have achieved or what you plan to do in your life.

But at times it the approval of the people around you that helps you build up the confidence in yourself. It gives you a sense of achieving something in life and being confident to conquer your dreams. It could be a simple pat on the back or maybe just a smile that could help you zoom through.

Some people would argue that its not what others think of you, but rather what you believe in that counts. So even if there is nobody to support you, you should still listen to your heart and go after your dreams.

But isn’t it a great feeling when the people around you support you and love you for what you are doing. When they cheer for you as you run towards your dreams and are the first one to celebrate when you reach the finish line. It would just give a boost to your confidence and electrify your efforts.

It’s times when there’s nobody around you when you really start questioning yourself. You doubt whether you were right in taking that decision and if it was justified that you dropped everything just to chase after your dreams and if would ever be worth the effort that you are putting in.

What if everything you are doing is utterly idiotic and you are just working according to the schemes you made in your fantasy land.

What if you lost all practical sense and don’t realize that you are actually losing out on opportunities that would have given you a better life.

What if all your plans and hard work were nothing but dust and everything that you are striving to achieve nothing but a sham.

Whats if you are fooling yourself and literally giving your life to something that is impossible to achieve.

What if everybody around you is right and the choices you made in life are going to spell doom for you.

What if the support you were looking for turns it’s back on you.

It is at that very moment that your self worth falls dangerously low in your eyes. You lose confidence and wonder whether it was ever a wise choice to do what you are doing. You question yourself to the point when you have no answers and all that comes back are the echos of every dis-encouragement that had been hurled upon you. Every so-called advice and every prophecy of a dark future comes rushing back and all you want to do is scream till every sound in your mind dies.

You try to be positive about yourself but the negativity surrounds you like the air you breathe. You choke on it and grasp at every thing that could possibly make you breathe better. But there’s nothing around you.

There’s darkness and void everywhere. You stare at the vacuum that has been created around you…..desperately looking for a glimmer of hope that would cut through and bring you back to your happy place.

It takes immense amount of courage to fight through this phase of self critique alone and get back to why you wanted to do this in the first place. The pure unadulterated happiness that you felt in your heart that nudged you to rush after your dreams.  That feeling of finally listening to your heart and shutting out every voice that ever questioned you or your faith in yourself.

I know how hard it is to get that courage because I’ve been there. Not once but innumerable times when I did what I believed was correct for me and my happiness. I’ve had everybody around me vehemently oppose to every decision I made and made me question my choices. When there was nothing I could do but curl up and sleep….wishing that when I woke up, everything would automatically fall in place.

It’s a childish thing to do but at times that was what bought me out of all the negativity that had flooded me.

Yes, it’s hard when you have practically nobody who understands how you are feeling and what you want to do. When you are standing alone, wishing that somebody would come up and say that the choices you made were truly the best thing you could have done for yourself.

But when there’s nobody around you to give you that push, then get up and push yourself. Pump up your self and believe in yourself.

Because that faith that you hold in your dreams and hard work is the only thing that will help you cut through anything that tries to stop you.

So just take a deep breath….and believe.

Never The Good Girl

She was always the dark secret,

Mysterious and quite,

She threw away all social clichés

And did what she thought was right,

Black was her color,

She wore it every day,

A hardworking soul,

Never letting her focus fray,

She was friends with lots of people

But reserved with most of them,

And very few could actually see,

That her heart was a pure gem,

Never the corporate slave,

Unconventionally she worked,

She was aware of all the stares,

That around her lurked,

Scotch was her poison,

And she loved an occasional drink,

She never bothered about society,

And never let her confidence shrink,

She was always brutally honest

Always speaking from her heart,

Her words always hit the target,

Like a perfectly aimed dart,

She was never the hypocrite,

And did what she love,

She kept the social rules beneath her

And her pride and honor above,

For the society, she was the bad apple,

Because she chose to break the rules,

Always followed her heart to the T,

Instead of becoming a social mule,

She knew people talked of her,

And tagged her as the “Bad Girl”,

But nobody ever bothered to see,

That her soul was pure like a pearl.