That Moment….

There are times when all you want to do is howl and scream your heart out….and cry yourself to sleep. But all you can do is smile and pretend that everything is fine. When every fiber your being wants to run away and never come back. When breathing becomes a task. When nobody seems to understand what you are trying to say….not because they can’t understand, but because you are unable to tell them how much it hurts inside.

When being alone is the best part of your day, but nobody will ever leave you alone to enjoy that solitude. When eyes run dry of tears and nothing seems to fill the gap inside you. When advise’s flow in from everywhere and you are unable to tell people that it’s not advise that you want. And what you want is something they will never understand. Because you yourself are unable to get rid of the storm inside you.

You know something is wrong and thinking straight takes effort. When hurting yourself seems tempting but you know that it will never prove a point. When everything seems to fall apart and you are made to watch your life shredded into pieces. When you end up hurting the people closest to you. When nothing you say seems to make sense to anybody. And eventually your words lose all sense to you as well….

At that exact moment you need to be your strongest. When nothing seems right and nobody understands you. It is possible that you and only you can make sense of whats going on. Hold on to that. Because at that exact moment, you will finally come face to face with the real you.

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She read those lines again. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she lightly kissed the piece of paper that was more precious to her than her own life.

I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me. I try but words have failed me.”

She remembered how they used to talk for hours. Unlike other people, they never needed something to talk about. The conversation always flowed. And yet there was nothing that could describe the love they had for each other.

I remember the first time we met. I can still hear the bangles jingling on your arms.”

They met at a friend’s engagement where they bumped into each other and she spilled her drink on his shirt.  Who knew that one disastrous meeting would lead these two to something so beautiful.

I have no idea how you feel. But all I can say is that I have fallen madly and hopelessly in love with you. I tried to push this idea away thinking that it was nothing but infatuation. But over time I have seen that nothing makes me happy until unless I have you to share it with. You are the reason for my happiness.

There was something that just clicked with these two. Completely opposite of each other in tastes and personalities, they were the perfect example of opposites attract.

I know that writing all this to you may seem a little melodramatic. But every time you are in front of me, I lose all my courage.”

He was supposed to meet her at their favorite coffee place. She waited 3 hours for him, but he never came. She got in her car, furious at him for not showing up when she got that cursed call.

He had met with an accident. A drunk driver had hit his car and he was rushed to the hospital in acrtical state he had sustained multiple injuries to his head.

I don’t know how and when it happened but every time I think of you, I picture our lives together.

After 16 hours of surgery, he lost his battle with life. It was like her soul had been sucked out of her. Like the world was closing in on her and she couldn’t breathe.

She had found this letter in his bag on the day of his funeral. He had never posted it

I love you so much. And I’ll love you till my last breath.”

She broke down every time she read these line. Fate never gave her the chance to love him back.

Death Is But The Next Great Adventure

I come from a family where everybody has its own funda’s about religion and god.

Being bought up in a family which has both Hindu as well as Sikh influences, I was always told that life is all about your Karma, and all you did in this life would ultimately come back to you.

A little mythological, but the basic thing I’ve been hearing all my life is that whatever good or bad deeds you do, they go with your spirit after you die. Heaven or hell would be decided based upon these deeds.

It will all ultimately come down to your death.

Strangely, all these ideas and rules about what you should do in this life are made by people who are still alive and have therefore no idea about what death is.

Though the holy book “The Bhagwad Gita” where the concept of karma is explained is believed to be a compilation of the verses that Lord Vishnu himself said, it takes utmost faith to believe this concept.

According to the Hindu mythology, a spirit will take 84 lakh births before finally getting a human birth. It is arguable scientifically, because there are millions of life forms on earth, but the Hindu mythology says that the spirit starts from something like an amoeba and gradually takes birth in every life form before it become human.

Mythlogically speaking, death is a scary thing. Once you die, all your life deeds are put out in front of you and you are asked to answer each decision of your so that you can go to heaven or hell.

To quote Albus Dumbledore or rather J K Rowling, “To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure”.

Not that I’m claiming to have a well organized mind, but frankly, I’m not scared of death. I’m just scared of not living.

I believe that all these concepts of heaven and hell were just made to create a fear in people. People tend to do or not do something due to fear.

So if you tell them that doing good deeds would get them heaven, they would try and be a better person, even though they have absolutely no idea what hell or heaven is going to be anyways.

And this idea has generally worked. Yes, there are some side effects as well but in every religion you will find the concept of heaven and hell.

Maybe all these concepts were created to establish a civilized society where people have a fear of doing something wrong.

I believe in spirits, but heaven or hell seem fictitious to me. How can you say that a person will have pretty angels surrounding him if he has helped poor and been a kind soul, but if he had been greedy and cruel, he would be thrown in pots filled with boiling lava! Why isn’t he punished in this birth itself? Why wait for him to die?

The concept of Karma though might be true. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So whatever good or bad deeds have been done in this birth shall be compensated and written off in this birth itself.

There is no waiting for death and no worrying about what is right and what is not. Most people would just do whatever the society tells them to do instead of what they want to do just because that way they will get heaven.

And trust me, all these people want heaven, but nobody wants to die!

But if all this is not correct and there actually is a heaven and a hell waiting for everybody, then I guess we’ll all just have to wait for our death so that we may embark upon this unknown exciting adventure.

Who knows where we might end up.

 

🙂

Home

All he remembered was that deafening noise. And the fire. It was everywhere. One moment he was talking to her on the phone, the next moment he was on the road bleeding and staring at a person who stared back at him with cold bloody eye’s.

It took him a moment to realize what happened. There was smoke everywhere. And fire. People, vehicles, trees….everything was burning.

The busy market had turned into a war field.

People screaming for help, limbs scattered around, a child’s doll smeared with someone’s blood. That was all he could see.

Blood. Everywhere.

He tried moving but there was something stopping his legs. He tried to get up, only to see a woman lying dead on his feet. He tried to push her away.

He wiggled his toes. That was a good sign. Despite the shock he could feel his toes.

He turned the woman’s body and screamed in horror. She was the lady with a baby girl in her arms who he had let get ahead of her in the line. She was here to get a birthday cake for her daughter. “It’s her first birthday”, she had told her beaming with happiness.

He looked around and saw the little girl. He crawled to her and checked her pulse. It was faint. He heaved a sigh of relief.

His head was spinning. People rushed in to find any survivors. A paramedic came rushing to him. He pointed at the little girl. Two people had to support him to make him stand up. He was much too shocked to reply to any of their questions.

Home. He wanted to get back home. It was their anniversary. He wanted to be with her. She would be waiting.

Her face was the last thing that his mind conjured up before darkness took over.

 

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He tried to move his head. His body felt like lead. There was something constantly beeping. He wanted that to stop. And far away he could hear a woman hysterically crying and saying “Is he going to be OK?”.

Why was this woman crying….and what was happening. He tried to decipher her words. He wanted to open his eye’s and see who it was but that seemed too hard. He was too tired to open his eyes. All he wanted to do was sleep.

 

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“The doctor’s are saying that he’s in shock, but his vital stats are fine. He just needs rest.”. That was all he heard before he drowned into deep sleep.

 

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Somebody was touching his arm. He could feel a prick but he was too tired to say anything. Home. He wanted to go home.

 

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He could feel somebody’s breath on his cheek. Somebody was holding him lightly and had fallen asleep with his head on his shoulder. He moved his head and that person’s hair brushed against his nose. He could smell vanilla.

He moved a little more and saw her sleeping. It was her. She was here! He touched her face and she woke up with a start.

“You woke up! Are you OK. I was so worried. You’ve been sleeping for almost 38 hours and I just…..”, she cried. He put his arms around her and hugged her.

“I love you”. That was all he could say.

“I love you too”, she sobbed.

Home. That was what he remembered. He had wanted to go home. He was going home when that explosion took place. Home.

There in the hospital, with all the scary machines and tubes attached to him, he hugged her like there was no tomorrow. He held on tightly to her, realizing how home was anywhere he could be with her.

He closed his eyes and silently thanked god.

He was back with the love of his life, and it felt good to be back home.

 

Sorrow’s and Joy’s

Life has way of balancing everything. Like if you get too much sorrow, you are bound to get an equivalent amount to joy some day that would write off all the sadness you felt.

Just when you start thinking that everything is falling apart and nothing could get to through, life gives you a much needed little nudge that helps you get through the most terrible times of your life.

Recently I lost a very dear aunt. The whole family was shocked at the untimely loss and for nearly a week we could barely think of anything else.

My aunt was the live wire in our family. A happy go lucky person who was bound to make everybody around her smile because she had the most infectious laugh ever! A regular chatterbox, she was always full of energy.

I remember my mom telling me that when she met my dad’s family for the first time after her marriage, my aunt was in 9th grade. She says that the first thing she noticed was how this girl ran up and down the stairs all day to get things done for the reception that was to be held that night. And how she came up to my mom every 15 minutes and made sure she wasn’t bored or feeling out of place in a new family.

Years later my aunt had revealed that when she saw my mom, she realized how lonely the bride must be feeling in a new family. So she made it a point to make my mom feel welcomed.

I’m often compared to my aunt for being the most talkative person in my family. And frankly, I feel proud to be compared to the one person who was the funniest, most caring, and the strongest member of our family.

At the age of 21 she had against the consent of the family, eloped with the love of her life  , who today is my uncle and the father of her two beautiful children, . Together these two had built the foundation of a strong marriage and a healthy family.

I hope wherever she is, her soul finds peace. She is watching us from the heavens above and I know that she can see the piercing pain everybody is feeling.

My family had been trying to cope up with this huge loss, when life turned around and bought happy news to our homes.

A couple of weeks after this tragedy, my cousin announced her engagement. Being the eldest child of our generation, her’s is the first wedding in the family after a long time. This news acted like a balm to our hearts. It gave us something to rejoice and look forward to.

Today, as I write this post, I can’t stop smiling at the happy prospect of my sister’s wedding, even though I sorely miss my aunt.

Life came full circle for us. We said goodbye to a beloved daughter of the family, and are now, thanks to my sister, preparing to welcome a son.