That Moment….

There are times when all you want to do is howl and scream your heart out….and cry yourself to sleep. But all you can do is smile and pretend that everything is fine. When every fiber your being wants to run away and never come back. When breathing becomes a task. When nobody seems to understand what you are trying to say….not because they can’t understand, but because you are unable to tell them how much it hurts inside.

When being alone is the best part of your day, but nobody will ever leave you alone to enjoy that solitude. When eyes run dry of tears and nothing seems to fill the gap inside you. When advise’s flow in from everywhere and you are unable to tell people that it’s not advise that you want. And what you want is something they will never understand. Because you yourself are unable to get rid of the storm inside you.

You know something is wrong and thinking straight takes effort. When hurting yourself seems tempting but you know that it will never prove a point. When everything seems to fall apart and you are made to watch your life shredded into pieces. When you end up hurting the people closest to you. When nothing you say seems to make sense to anybody. And eventually your words lose all sense to you as well….

At that exact moment you need to be your strongest. When nothing seems right and nobody understands you. It is possible that you and only you can make sense of whats going on. Hold on to that. Because at that exact moment, you will finally come face to face with the real you.

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The Wait

You can read the first three parts of this series here:

Love At First Site

The Fine Line Between Love And Infactuation

A Balm For The Aching Heart

 

Rashi and I were lazing on her deck. A pitcher of lemonade by our side, we sat there admiring the beauty of the rain that cleansed the tress and made everything look so serene.

We both dozed off for a good half hour only to be woken by the sound of thunder.

I get up and stretch myself. Rashi has dozed off again but sleep eludes me now. I go inside to get some food from the pantry. All this nature admiring has made me hungry.

I grab two bags of chips and start walking back towards the deck when I hear a familiar voice. A voice that gives me goose bumps.

It’s him. I hear his voice.

“You’ve lost it girl”, my brain tells me. How can he be here? He’s supposed to be in London.

I start walking again when I hear Rashi’s brother Siddharth’s voice. I’m standing outside his room. “So when are you planning to come to Delhi?” He asks.

“Next week. I’ll be there for a month. I need a much deserved vacation. I’ve been working nonstop and they gave me just 5 days off for your wedding.  So now I’m going to just relax and not do anything but eat and sleep.”

I peep into Siddharth’s room and see that he’s having a video chat. And I see Vivek’s face on the Ipad screen.

Oh! My! God!

Does this mean Vivek is coming to India?

“Awesome. We could barely hang out together during the wedding madness. Just mail me all your flight details. I’ll pick you up from the airport.” I hear Siddharth reply.

My heart somersaults inside my chest and I try not to scream out of joy.

He’s coming! He’s actually coming to India. I can finally look at him in person. Swoon over his voice and fall in love with those eyes.

I obviously don’t know if I would be able to meet him or not but I assure my heart that if he’s here for a month, I’ll surely meet him some way.

I’m so happy I barely know what to think.

“Did you find gold in that bag of chips?” I hear Rashi’s voice call out to me.

“What?” I ask still dazed with all this joy.

“Then why the hell are you flashing such huge smiles?”

That is when I realize I’ve walked all the way to the deck without even realizing where I’m going.

“Pull yourself together girl. You’re acting like a nutcase.” My brain chides me.

I shake my head at her and give her those chips. I’m far too excited to be hungry now. She digs right into them.

He’s just a few days away.

And for me, these few days are going to feel like a lifetime.

 

That Sinking Feeling

Have you ever felt as if your mind is overflowing with all the emotions known to you? And that too without any logical reason?

It feels like happiness, anger, joy, frustration, love, jealousy and pain are all rolled into one and the mind takes you surfing through this wave of overwhelming emotions.

Your life is good, there is nothing wrong in your life which cannot be fixed and everything is happening like it is supposed to happen and yet, there is this sinking feeling inside you.

Like you’re riding this wave and there is no surfboard under you. You are just going with the wave. And this wave seems to go on endlessly.

You try and get hold of yourself, but there is nothing you can do. You can feel yourself drowning but there is nothing to help to get out.

You try hard. Frantically doing everything that could help you overcome this sinking feeling. But nothing helps.

There’s blank infinity in front of you.

You look around you and try to get hold of something….anything.

Anything that would pull you out of this wave. But there is nothing out there to help you. It’s just you.

You need to put in everything you have to get out of this. Only you can help yourself from drowning.

And you must do it before it’s too late.

The Fine Line Between Love And Infatuation

Is it possible to fall in love with a person, when all you’ve seen is a picture of him? You’ve never met him or heard his voice. You don’t know anything about him but his name. And still you fall in love with him?

I know it’s not love but an infatuation. All these feeling have been unreasoned.

How can I think of myself in love with a person who is nothing but a photograph in my life? And he does not even know of my existence.

I know it’s crazy but ever since I saw that picture of him at Rashi’s house, all I can think of is those eyes.

‘Vivek….’, I say that name out loud and smile.

This guy is thousands of miles away from me. He does not even know that there is a girl named Tamannah thinking about him day and night.

I can see his face every time I close my eyes.

My mind clearly say’s that it’s an infatuation. But my heart just refuses to believe this. They are in total conflict with each other.

Forget about the voices in your head, I seem to have voices in my body! My brain and my heart are literally wrestling with each other on this.

I had gone through every freaking picture of the wedding just to find more photographs of him.

I found three more. And in all three his lips had a smile and his eyes were twinkling. I secretly copied those pictures and saved them in my pen drive. I didn’t want Rashi to think of me as a nut case.

Of course she knows I’m crazy, but this would have certainly certified me as one.

I’ve gone through those 4 pictures infinite times.

I asked Rashi about him. He’s working as a financial advisor in London. I’m in my final year of my master’s in financial management.

‘Coincidence’, says my brain. ‘Destiny’, my heart replies.

I roll my eyes at these two and start searching for something to eat. Food is the only thing that would keep me distracted from him. The foodie in me is happy at my decision. I run to the kitchen and look for my mom’s famous chocolate chip cookies.

 

You can read the first part of this series, ‘Tamannah’ here- Love at first site