Because

Because it’s hard to find someone who would understand what you are going through.

Because it takes courage to open up to somebody. Raw and complete.

Because the scariest thing is trying to be brave when deep inside, you have been shattered.

Because at times you will be judged for every decision you ever took.

Because it’s the harsh truth that will finally help you break free.

Because our tiny little mistakes can be the reason of somebody’s heartbreak.

Because at times you want to scream out loud just so that somebody would hear you.

Because smiling through your pain is sometimes the easiest thing to do.

Because you might be surrounded by people all the time but there will be nobody who notices your tears.

Because you have to be your own hero.

Because we are so busy “trying” to be happy that we have forgotten what actual happiness feels like.

Because you’ve cried yourself to sleep on countless nights.

Because nobody has seen your tears.

Because showing people your feelings makes you feel vulnerable.

Because it hurts when nobody understands you.

Because you’ve tried and failed at making people understand.

Because it’s your fake smile that people are used to now.

Because the people you trust the most are the people who will break your heart.

Because the one person you want to talk to is far away.

Because that one person has no idea how you feel.

Because only one voice can sooth your burning soul.

Because it’s not your fault that the world is crashing around you.

Because now you have to be your strongest.

Because this too shall pass…..

Advertisements

Chaos

Have you ever felt like there is a meaningless conflict between your heart and your mind? Like there is complete chaos in your soul and it seems to be sucking you in no matter how much you try to avoid it.

You sit back, take deep breaths, try and calm yourself down but nothing works. There is panic and anxiety. But you don’t know why….

Nothing is wrong with you or your life. And yet you feel like something is missing. Something that you crave from the bottom of your heart but you have no idea what it is.

You try and get yourself busy. You do everything that you can do to keep your mind off the emptiness you feel. Not because you are running away from something, but because you don’t know what you want and there is nothing and nobody that can help you get out of this chaos that is inside you.

And when you finally surrender yourself to this unending wave of emotions, somebody pulls you out of it with such ease that you are knocked out by the simplicity with which it happened. A touch, a smile, a caress was all that you needed to get your self together.

Just being there with somebody and knowing that their mere presence is all that you will ever need can have an infinitely calming effect on you. Like you know that no matter how broken you are, there is somebody who will pick up those pieces and is willing to fix you.

It is at that moment that you finally understand what it feels like to be at peace. With yourself and with the universe.

The Best Is Yet To Be

IMG-20141230-WA0016[1]

 

2014 was one of the best year of my life. I’ve had some super happy moments, some happy tears, some beautiful memories and a professional kick start to my passion. But the best thing about this year was the lessons I learnt. I made major blunders, and those turned into the best lessons of life for me.

So today, on the last day of this beautiful year, I sit back with a cup of chamomile tea, and look back at the super awesome memories I had in 2014.

This year started with a brilliant holiday in Gujarat; I got my first photography assignment; I cleared all my exams with a decent score; had a humongous fight with my best friend; learnt not to make rash decisions; bought a new camera; my cousin got engaged; we had a tiny new buddle of joy added to our family tree; my parents celebrated their 25th anniversary; and I had the most fun experience of doing a pre wedding shoot with a couple who is now like family to me.

Even though I had my fair share of drama and depression this year as well, but overall I’ve realized that when you just let everything go and not try to plan or control every freaking aspect of your life, you tend to be more prepared for any surprise that life might throw at you.

So this year, I’ve decided not to make any resolutions of try and plan the entire year in advance. I’ll take anything that life brings me and make the best of it.

I mean yes, I’ll make plans and everything, but I won’t be heartbroken on something that didn’t happen.

I promise to myself that from now on I won’t stop being crazy just because it makes people think I’m…well crazy!

This year I’ll make peace with the freaky me, because I know that no matter what, the best is yet to be.

Happy new year everybody! 😀

It Goes On

images

 

 

I’m pretty sure everybody has one incident in their life, which shook them so bad that surviving beyond that point seemed impossible. That one point when life seems to come to a dead end and even breathing seems to be a task.

A bad break up with somebody you thought was your soul mate can be crushing. Or maybe a poor score in a test for which you had studied day and night. Or any other horrible incident that happened and it seemed like god was punishing you.

At that time it seems so hard to get over it; to find that inner strength to move on and turn a new page.

I myself have been through horrible phases in life. A couple of years back, I was walking to the metro station from work to attend a class. It was a super busy road due to an upcoming festival. I had earphones in my ears and I was walking down pretty much not bothering about anybody around me.

Everything was fine until the time I felt a hand trying to touch me indecently. It was sheer reflex on my part that I turned around and caught hold of this pervert’s collar and slapped him hard.

Seeing that people around had stopped and were looking at what was happening, he pretended to be innocent and became defensive, shouting at me saying what the hell did I think I was doing.

I swear to god every fiber in my body burned with rage. I slapped him again and screamed at him as loudly as I could. Looking me screaming like this, a few men who were standing at a nearby shop buying sweets came up and asked me if this guy was bothering me.

When I told them what happened, they caught hold of that man and boxed his ears so bad that I’m pretty sure he saw stars in that glaring daylight.

I’m not in favor of violence as such but if you personally ask me such perverts need to be kicked in the balls. Which is exactly what I did when a policeman came up and tried to calm everybody down.  I was so angry that I screamed at the policeman as well and he took that man in custody.

I literally blessed my starts that somebody came up and helped me. I have heard countless cases when nobody comes up to help a girl when she is in such a situation.

I thanked those men who came up and helped and believe me, for nearly a week I walked around with such suppressed fury in me that even sleeping became impossible.

Although I was unharmed, but the very thought that somebody can actually do something so disgusting in the middle of a busy street made me furious.

The shock took some time to wear away and at that time I actually thought that I would never be able to walk down a street without being touched by some pervert.

It took time, but, I finally got over the incident and was able to move on with life without any anger seething inside me.  (Though I still hope and pray that all such men who think that a woman’s body is like a public property which they can touch in any way at any time should burn in hell.)

Every such incident in your life will bring your life to a halt. I pray that no woman should ever go through any such harrowing experience. But I’v learned that time can be the best balm for any wound.

And life I’v seen will always move on. No matter how much you think that it is not possible to get on with it. Believe me when I say this. It is not always possible to get over something quickly, but give it some time. It will seem difficult but you need to find that strength inside you to fight every demon that haunts you.

Life can be a bitch sometimes, but it will move on, bringing to new experiences and many more happy opportunities.

That Feeling Called Love

She dabbed some more concealer on the scar. She was good with makeup. Nobody could tell that beneath this layer of expensive makeup were marks that had shattered her. These scars would fade away with time. But the pain that they bought would take a lifetime to leave her heart.

A sprinkle of her favorite perfume and she was ready.

She looked at herself in the long mirror. Dark blue kurta with an embroidered neckline. White churidar and dupatta. Silver bangles jingling at her wrists. She completed the look with her favorite antique jhumka’s that belonged to her grandmother.

She smiled at her reflection. She knew Indian wear suited her. And today after a long time, she had made an effort to look good.

Grabbing her purse, she went down to her car, instructing her driver to take her to this fancy new restaurant where she was to meet him today.

Sitting back, she couldn’t help but remember that day. No matter how much she tried to wipe off every trace of those memories, her mind always went back there. To that day.

They had met through common friends. Both young and in love. He was the perfect guy to her. Moody sometimes, she always thought that was a personality trait. That was just how he was.

He always checked her phone. Going through every text message and the day’s call history. Every message was questioned and every call detail asked.

This was his daily routine. He checked her phone, went through her mails, and never allowed her to meet anybody else. Forget about guys, even her girlfriends were scrutinized by him.

She believed she was madly in love with him and would have died happily for him. And he almost killed her.

Emotional blackmail was an everyday routine. He brainwashed her to an extent that every friend and family seemed like an enemy.

She loved him with all his heart and believed that he was the one for her.

They could have had a fairytale life according to her, if only he was not this possessive. She got scared when he screamed at her. He broke her phone twice in fits of anger.

She would ball up in a corner and cry herself to sleep, praying all the time that he would calm down.

“He loves me, he loves me, he loves me….”.

She would keep saying that to herself whenever he apologized to her after hours of screaming and abusing her.  And when he apologized, he became the angel she had fallen in love with. He showered her with kisses and gifts and seemed like he was genuinely sorry for what he did.

She would forgive him every single time.

Initially it happened once or twice. But soon, the screaming and abusing became an everyday matter. She walked around the house like a zombie. Scared to even breathe. Worrying all the time to not do something that would upset him.

Work was solace for her. A tiny voice inside her always told her that his behavior was wrong but she never found the courage to talk to him about it. This was just how he was. Maybe she was not able to show him how much she loved him.

She spent endless days and nights trying to figure out how to make him understand that she loved him and never wanted him to be angry.

But everything failed. Day after day the verbal abuses and the taunts continued. And with time they seemed to increase. It was like he had a spilt personality. Sometimes he showered her with so much love that she felt overwhelmed. But when he was angry, there was nothing she could do but just keep her head down and let him vent out his fury.

She had signed up for a new project. It meant a new team and more challenging work. She was shifted to a new branch office and was pleasantly surprised when she heard someone greet her in a voice that was vaguely familiar. She turned around and saw her best friend from high school. Tanmay. They had lost contact when they went to different colleges.

Today, after 6 years, he still looked the same. The same infectious smile, same tousled hair, and the same cheerful nature.

And it took him just one look to realize that something was not right with her.

She didn’t smile that freely anymore and rarely talked. This girl was the fun factor of any party. And now it seemed like that spark had died somewhere.

It took almost two weeks for him to have an actual conversation with her. It seemed like she avoided anyone who tried to be friendly with her. She worked hard. Concentrating on every detail of the project. But she rarely mingled with anybody.

Getting her number was an even tougher task. But never gave up on her. He kept trying until finally she started coming out of her shell. She started talking. Not like she used to, but at least she talked.

From coffee breaks to lunch to a text message once in a while.  Slowly she started smiling more often and talked more.

She enjoyed his company. He was always happy, and cheerful. She realized how much she had missed him. She liked working with him and felt good when he noticed how she had taken care of every small detail of this project.

The workload had increased way too much and the deadline for the project was soon approaching. That day, she got late at work and by the time she finished, it was way too late to find a cab back home. She called him up but he didn’t answer. That was enough to tell her that he was furious. She had missed a few of his calls a couple of hours back. She would have to explain to him that she was in a meeting.

One of her colleague offered to drop her home. She knew he would be furious, by this but them she had no other choice. She wanted him to pick her up but he was not answering his phone.

She saw standing on the porch. She felt her heart sink at the very sight of him. He smiled at her colleague and thanked him for dropping her home. But she could tell that he was way beyond angry.

When the car pulled out of their driveway, he grabbed her arm and dragged her inside the house and slapped her so hard, she felt blood in her mouth.

She fell on the floor and before she could react, he picked up a flower vase and aimed it at her face. It smashed against her head. And all she remembered was seeing blood.

That knock was probably what was required to bring her back to her senses.

She did not deserve this. This abusing and screaming. This was not love. This was freak control. She was just a punching bag for him.

He kicked her hard in the ribs and left her squirming in pain.

When he went upstairs, she tried to stand up, only to fall back again for the pain seemed to intensify with every movement.  She dragged herself toward her phone and with every scrap of courage that was left in her, called the police.

They found her 42 minutes later, bleeding and crying. She was curled up in a fetal position. 42 minutes. Every second of these 42 minutes had felt like a lifetime to her. They went upstairs and dragged him down. He hurled abuses at her and promised to come back and kill her.

The police dragging him away was probably the best balm for her wounds. She had suffered enough. She let out a sigh and went to the hospital in the ambulance that was waiting for her. She could finally breathe again.

She was jerked back to reality as the car stopped outside the restaurant. She gathered her wits and stepped out of the car.

It had been 8 months since that day. It was time to move on.

As she walked inside, she was ushered to the table where Tanmay was waiting for her. The look he gave when he saw her gave her butterflies in the stomach. She saw him give her a long appreciative look. And when their eyes met, the depth in his eyes made her realize, that this was what love really felt like.