Fear

You know you are kick-starting a company when your days are spent thinking about spreadsheets, contracts, collaborations and how to stay patient.

And you binge eat chocolate chip ice cream or play counter strike to stay calm while you talk to hundreds of people who have basically shredded your ego to bits.

I always knew that running your own company would never be cakewalk. Yes there are companies who were literally billionaires within months but that’s not the case with everyone. It literally takes your blood and sweat to keep it running.

Just keeping your calm is enough to shake the very foundation of whatever stock of patience you thought you had.

Also the constant fear of whether or not you are going down the right path! Even though nobody tells you it would not work and you keep getting positive feedback, and people actually accept your product, there is this insane fear of being rejected. And no matter how much you keep telling others that you need to give time to your business and keep talking to as many people as possible, the ground reality is that you are freaked out and your mind is working all the times.

Even your dreams are around your business and how some random person has come up and become your competition! (I literally have a crystal clear picture of that dream in my mind!)

Yes, it’s fear that makes you work hard and keeps you pumped, but at the same time it’s fear that gives you palpitations that you can sometimes mistake for heart attacks!

It’s crazy and freaky and exciting and worrisome and scary all rolled into one!

And yes, at times I really fear it.

That Moment….

There are times when all you want to do is howl and scream your heart out….and cry yourself to sleep. But all you can do is smile and pretend that everything is fine. When every fiber your being wants to run away and never come back. When breathing becomes a task. When nobody seems to understand what you are trying to say….not because they can’t understand, but because you are unable to tell them how much it hurts inside.

When being alone is the best part of your day, but nobody will ever leave you alone to enjoy that solitude. When eyes run dry of tears and nothing seems to fill the gap inside you. When advise’s flow in from everywhere and you are unable to tell people that it’s not advise that you want. And what you want is something they will never understand. Because you yourself are unable to get rid of the storm inside you.

You know something is wrong and thinking straight takes effort. When hurting yourself seems tempting but you know that it will never prove a point. When everything seems to fall apart and you are made to watch your life shredded into pieces. When you end up hurting the people closest to you. When nothing you say seems to make sense to anybody. And eventually your words lose all sense to you as well….

At that exact moment you need to be your strongest. When nothing seems right and nobody understands you. It is possible that you and only you can make sense of whats going on. Hold on to that. Because at that exact moment, you will finally come face to face with the real you.

I’m A Staunch Feminist, And Here’s Why…

Because in my country, the birth of a boy is celebrated, but the birth of a girl is lamented by everybody.

Because my parents were advised by all our relatives, including my grandmother to have another baby in hope of a son because they had two daughters.

Because me and my sister were blessed to be raised by parents who were fiercely strong when it came to fighting gender biases for us.

Because the first time I realized the difference between a boy and a girl was in kindergarten when our PT teacher told me to go play hide seek because football was not a game played by girls.

Because I was lucky to be encouraged by my dad to enroll into tennis, taekwondo and skating when all the other girls were either going to dance classes or art and craft classes.

Because my parents raised us with no gender specific roles. We could doll up as much as we wanted or get filthy as we wrestled in the mud.

Because I was always taught to be on guard and be strong enough to take care of myself.

Because even if I’m wearing a salwar kameez and I’m covered from head to toe, men from all age groups will stare at me when I walk down the street.

Because I don’t feel safe walking on a road even in broad daylight without a Swiss knife or a paper cutter in my hand.

Because I actually have used that paper cutter in broad daylight on busy roads.

Because when I used to wear glasses, random people suggested that I use lenses or get a lasik surgery done so that it is easier for me to find a husband.

Because when I replied to those people that a man who would not marry me because of my glasses is not worth marrying anyways, I was told that with this attitude I would never find a husband.

Because at 24, the only aspect of my life that interests people is my marriage. My career or higher studies have no importance whatsoever because at this age marriage is what I should be thinking about.

Because people find it unbelievable that I don’t use make up and go to work every day with a blemished skin and frizzy hair.

Because it’s considered my duty to look flawless and beautiful every single second of the day.

Because I’m told by random people that I should talk softly and never answer back a guy because these are not the qualities a person wants in his wife.

Because girls in this country are taught that if a guy is eve teasing or harassing you, you should never answer him back or else his ego might get hurt and he might throw acid on you. Maybe even rape you.

Because, eve teasing, sexual harassment, pre marital sex, consensual sex, marital rape, domestic violence and rape are dirty words which are talked about in hushed voices.

Because in this country every man worships a goddess for strength, prosperity and knowledge. But the same men consider it acceptable to hit their wives or use cuss words which are derogatory for women.

Because ‘Tota’, “Item’, ‘Maal’, ‘Pataka’ are common words used for women in this society.

Because every second day you hear about girls as young as 12 are being dragged into prostitution.

Because in this age and time, being a woman is both a curse and a blessing.

Because this country needs to teach it’s sons that a woman does not want protection by a man. A woman wants respect and dignity so that never is a girl made to sit at home by her parents who fear for her security in this world.

It Goes On

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I’m pretty sure everybody has one incident in their life, which shook them so bad that surviving beyond that point seemed impossible. That one point when life seems to come to a dead end and even breathing seems to be a task.

A bad break up with somebody you thought was your soul mate can be crushing. Or maybe a poor score in a test for which you had studied day and night. Or any other horrible incident that happened and it seemed like god was punishing you.

At that time it seems so hard to get over it; to find that inner strength to move on and turn a new page.

I myself have been through horrible phases in life. A couple of years back, I was walking to the metro station from work to attend a class. It was a super busy road due to an upcoming festival. I had earphones in my ears and I was walking down pretty much not bothering about anybody around me.

Everything was fine until the time I felt a hand trying to touch me indecently. It was sheer reflex on my part that I turned around and caught hold of this pervert’s collar and slapped him hard.

Seeing that people around had stopped and were looking at what was happening, he pretended to be innocent and became defensive, shouting at me saying what the hell did I think I was doing.

I swear to god every fiber in my body burned with rage. I slapped him again and screamed at him as loudly as I could. Looking me screaming like this, a few men who were standing at a nearby shop buying sweets came up and asked me if this guy was bothering me.

When I told them what happened, they caught hold of that man and boxed his ears so bad that I’m pretty sure he saw stars in that glaring daylight.

I’m not in favor of violence as such but if you personally ask me such perverts need to be kicked in the balls. Which is exactly what I did when a policeman came up and tried to calm everybody down.  I was so angry that I screamed at the policeman as well and he took that man in custody.

I literally blessed my starts that somebody came up and helped me. I have heard countless cases when nobody comes up to help a girl when she is in such a situation.

I thanked those men who came up and helped and believe me, for nearly a week I walked around with such suppressed fury in me that even sleeping became impossible.

Although I was unharmed, but the very thought that somebody can actually do something so disgusting in the middle of a busy street made me furious.

The shock took some time to wear away and at that time I actually thought that I would never be able to walk down a street without being touched by some pervert.

It took time, but, I finally got over the incident and was able to move on with life without any anger seething inside me.  (Though I still hope and pray that all such men who think that a woman’s body is like a public property which they can touch in any way at any time should burn in hell.)

Every such incident in your life will bring your life to a halt. I pray that no woman should ever go through any such harrowing experience. But I’v learned that time can be the best balm for any wound.

And life I’v seen will always move on. No matter how much you think that it is not possible to get on with it. Believe me when I say this. It is not always possible to get over something quickly, but give it some time. It will seem difficult but you need to find that strength inside you to fight every demon that haunts you.

Life can be a bitch sometimes, but it will move on, bringing to new experiences and many more happy opportunities.

That Sinking Feeling

Have you ever felt as if your mind is overflowing with all the emotions known to you? And that too without any logical reason?

It feels like happiness, anger, joy, frustration, love, jealousy and pain are all rolled into one and the mind takes you surfing through this wave of overwhelming emotions.

Your life is good, there is nothing wrong in your life which cannot be fixed and everything is happening like it is supposed to happen and yet, there is this sinking feeling inside you.

Like you’re riding this wave and there is no surfboard under you. You are just going with the wave. And this wave seems to go on endlessly.

You try and get hold of yourself, but there is nothing you can do. You can feel yourself drowning but there is nothing to help to get out.

You try hard. Frantically doing everything that could help you overcome this sinking feeling. But nothing helps.

There’s blank infinity in front of you.

You look around you and try to get hold of something….anything.

Anything that would pull you out of this wave. But there is nothing out there to help you. It’s just you.

You need to put in everything you have to get out of this. Only you can help yourself from drowning.

And you must do it before it’s too late.